Well, I don’t know where to begin. My husband has started fishing as a hobby and really enjoys it. He’ll go before work when there is time. Lately he has wanted to go every Saturday from like 6am – Noon. I am always welcome to come but I don’t fish, I have no desire to get a fishing license and it’s too cold right now and I’d just be bored the whole time. I even went once and knitted/read while he fished. I was uncomfortable (we were on a Jon Boat) and still a little bored.
I got a little upset at him last night because he asked if he could go fishing this weekend even though he just went last Saturday. I feel bad because I know that he enjoys it and I feel like I’m being selfish since I just want him to spend time with me.
I think I’m just scared that things are changing. Through our whole relationship we’ve never really done things apart. (Except when I travel for work) We really enjoy being together and doing projects around the house together. I’ve always said, I just like being with you no matter what we are doing, but I just have no desire to go fishing with him. I don’t like that he has to be gone so long and that it is imposing on our weekend together. My husband’s works until 7:30, 8, and sometimes 9 at night. SO when I get home at 4:45 or 5 I spend a lot of time by myself. The LAST thing I want to do it spend half of Saturday by myself. I expressed this to him but he just says “Well, I’ll just stop fishing” I told him I’d like to come up with some kind of compromise but I’m not sure how to compromise on this. I told him we should come up with a fishing schedule for him but he says that fishing depends on the weather so a schedule will not work.
While he is saying "I’ll just stop fishing all together", I offered to sacrifice and just allow him to fish whenever he wants. He told me that, that would make him feel bad and he would not have a good time fishing thinking of me sacrificing so that he could fish.
Does anyone out there have any advice for me? I want to have a healthy relationship and not get so jealous of my husband’s hobby. I have hobbies too, last weekend I worked on Christmas cards, knitted and cleaned while he was fishing. The whole situation seems stupid now that I have written it out but hopefully someone else has been in this situation before. Thanks for any advice you can offer me :)
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7 years ago
Ahhh...fishing. I grew up in a family where my dad was fishing basically every weekend - Sat & Sun (in the summer and then to a lesser extent some ice fishing in the winter - we live in the upper midwest). Yes ,it was at times very hard on my mom and as kids we saw this. But for him it was more than recreational, he entered a lot of tournaments and won a bunch of tournaments (and still does on occasion 30+ years after he started). So I am sure the money helped in that respect, but at the same time, yes, it was a sore spot for my parents in that it was time away from family, from helping around the house, etc. It has gotten better over the years.
ReplyDeleteNow onto my own DH. He is just learning how to fish - more seriously that is. Yes, we have a little alumacraft boat that he takes out. Yes, he is just like my father and if he could fish all the time, I think he would. Yes, I go with sometimes and knit, etc. But most of the time, he goes by himself and I stay home and do my own thing and it works for us (but never 2 days a weekend, usually just on Sat mornings or in the evenings sometime).
So, all that being said - I have seen how happy it makes my DH to go fish. Even when he doesn't catch anything. (Which baffles me to know end - it just seems so unproductive!) Personally, I think my DH just needs the time away - his job is kind of stressful, he thinks about our infertility struggles as well and that weighs on him and by getting out on the lake - he can just put that all behind him and concentrate on the task at hand - landing a big walleye or what have you. He always seems to come back happier and less stressed and he enjoys fishing with his brothers as well and it seems to build good camraderie.
I completely understand you wanting to spend time with him, so maybe 50/50 - you could go along and read or knit and then the other times you could those things at home or take up another hobby. Is there anything that he particularly doesn't like to do that you do - that you could do while he is fishing (and coudl do on the spur of the moment) - hanging out a coffee shop, shopping, going to the library? That might be a good trade-off. You both get in your "me" time and then come back refreshed and renewed. I don't know if him never going fishing again will solve it - even though I know that is not what you are asking. He might start regretting not getting to go.
Sorry for the monster comment, but I hope this makes sense. :)
P.S. No, I do not offer to clean the fish. If he wants to eat the fish, he can clean them and fry them up himself! I do have boundaries. :)
Thank you for the long comment. It helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I've come up with a whole list of things that I can do while he is gone :) I just know it's going to be hard to change my way of thinking.
ReplyDeleteNo, I don't offer to clean the fish either but I'm always happy to eat them :)
My DH loves sports...in every season. I can never get away from some game with a ball no matter what month I'm in. Saturdays are full of preparing for the Sunday games (grrr). My compromise is going with him to the sports bar, eating and hanging out for a while, then leaving him to go shopping and picking him up later. I love that he is happy watching this stuff and although I think it is just as wasteful as my reality tv shows, he really loves it, and that makes me happy to see him happy (even when his teams are losing). Sometimes, you just have to deal and entertain yourself. When something you really want to do comes up - he'll do it with you because he loves to see you happy just like you want to see him happy. I say; let him go fishing. It doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be with you. Tis the season, let him go out and play. If fishing (or football) is the worst thing, we are lucky gals. My husband always says, "I could be that guy at the game painted blue without a shirt on - and you could be the girl in the cold next to him." Good point. Before you know it, he won't want to fish because he'll want to be with you. And isn't that when we really want them around...when they really want to be there?
ReplyDeleteHi! :) I'm a brand new reader, but I couldn't help weighing in on this one...
ReplyDeleteMy hubby doesn't fish, but he plays video games, which is every bit as time consuming (and can be done instantly, without leaving home), and I used to get really jealous of the time he spent on the tube, especially since I was right there and he was in his own little world. It caused a bit of trouble the first couple years of our marriage - I tried really hard not to let it get to me because, like you, I wanted harmony in my marriage, but resentment would build up and eventually I'd be a crying mess, whining about how I felt abandoned to his "stupid tv." In the last two years, though, I've reached a state of understanding, and compromise.
I realized that while spending time with him was important to me, and one of my favorite things to do, he was the one with the healthier outlook on life. He understood that in order to be the best husband and friend he could be to me, he had to take time for himself, to renew and refresh. It was unfair for me to expect him to work a full time job, worry about fertility and finances, etc, and then turn around and instantly be husband/lover/friend to me, with no down time. And it was ridiculous for me to do all that I do and then expect to be 100% for him, too! I need my own down time, and I was so busy being upset with him for taking time to renew and refresh taht I NEVER took that time for myself, and was exhausted all the time, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Now, when he comes home and sits down to play video games, I blog or talk to friends on Facebook, or read and listen to music... I find something I enjoy, and do that while he does his thing. And you know what? I'm happy now. And our relationship is WAY better than it was when we spent 100% of our time together!
This year, he started going to a "boys' night" on Wednesday evenings, every week, to play board games with the guys. It was rough for me at first - I have absolutely nothign to do socially (sucky community - after two years here, we're getting ready to move), and I got really lonely. I still do, sometimes. But we worked something out -
He goes out with the guys; I stay in with a chick flick (I'm a sucker for historical drama), something special to eat, and my dog, and have a lazy evening. He gets to forget all about his responsibilities, and so do I. And we're both enjoying ourselves! And when he comes home, we are both that much happier to see each other.
Sorry for the mondo post - I hope things are better for you now *hugs*