I can see the Light

I'm pretty sure that I was down in the dumps because AF was lurking around the corner, earlier than expected. My cycle this month was only 26 days. Pretty weird since my last cycle was 10+ days longer. Anyway, I wanted to be upset and even found out another person I know through my SIL is pregnant. She was told by her doctor that she would probably not get pregnant on her own. She hasn't even been married a year! So after I huffed and puffed a little about how it must be nice to prove the doctors wrong and huffed and puffed about how I've been told by doctors that I shouldn't have a problem getting pregnant and we are, I got over myself and have been praying that she will have a healthy pregnancy. What really helped was Mass on Sunday and Mass yesterday with some prayer time before Mass. Also, I've been praying my first novena, (that's correct, I've never prayed one before) to St. John Bosco whose feast day is Jan. 31.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I also know there are a lot of people that are dealing with a lot more problems then just "I want to have a baby and it's not working the way I want." Other than that one issue, there is nothing in my life right now that I can complain about. I love my job, my relationship with my DH is wonderful, I have no money problems, we have families that love us so much!, we have a wonderful church, we've got great friends, but the one thing I can't get over is not having a baby. This issue seems so minimal when I think about all the other things that could be going on in my life.

Sometimes I think it doesn't even matter because I probably won't be a good mom. I've never really enjoyed holding a baby, it's just really awkward and I feel like everyone is staring at me thinking I'm doing it wrong. I do enjoy playing with older children, like 2 and up. I like being the fun aunt that lets the kids put confetti in her hair. Or the one that will let them tell her what to do when we play. Or the one that will make a fool out of themselves to get them to laugh. The only two nieces on my side of the family are 12 & 15. I've decided this year, I'm going to get more involved in their after school activities. The 12 year old M, plays basketball and the 15 year old, T plays softball. Even though they live an hour away, I've decided that since we don't have kids, we should go and support them at their games while we can. I never had an aunt (well, I did but they live up north and I live in the south so I didn't have a relationship with them like I can with my nieces) so, I want to be that good positive influence in their life, the person they may want to turn to instead of their mom or stepmom later on.

I just needed to get that out I guess. Here's to trying again this month :)